Things change so fast. One minute you’re on top of the world, hopeful, optimistic, young. Then it all comes crashing down. My dreams are shattered, my joy gone. Hope Schmope.
I use to have piles of respect for President-elect Obama. I used to think that he was a different brand of politician and could bring about substantive change. I studies his policies and read his books. I believed in him. I trusted him.
No more.
He uses a Zune.
America’s first President set a precedence for wacky hairdos that other Presidents would try to live up to for decades to come.
This is the first in a set that I plan on doing weekly. Each will be based on the Presidents portrait in the National Portrait Gallery. Next week: John Adams.
Caricature of Barack Obama and John McCain
The greatest part about this whole election cycle is that it is finally over. I feel like I just finished watching two horse dwarfs mud wrestle for the last two years. Geeze, it was horrendous.
Completely plausible conspiracy #1.
There is a masochistic dental conspiracy.
It’s true! Dentists are indoctrinated from their earliest days of dental school on the proper mauling and torturing of poor folks who just want to get their cavities filled. How do I know this? Well, duh, all dentists hurt people, like, every day! That means there is a grand conspiracy created by these genuinely evil executioners parading around in smocks and goofy face masks. They want hurt you and then overcharge you by thousands of dollars. First they drill holes in your face and fill your teeth with toxic cement and then they send you an overinflated bill. Physical and emotional pain! They want you to scream out in pain until that funny little vein on your head is doing an awkward tango like Marie Osmand on Dancin’ with the Washed-up, Has-Been, Daytime-TV Stars.
I can’t remember exactly where I saw it but there was this poll where dentists were asked things like: Do you enjoy punching innocent children in the face?; and, Have you ever tossed bags of cute little kittens off of the Golden Gate Bridge? Not surprisingly, 92% of all so-called “dental professionals” were self admitted kitty-killers and child-face-punchers. That’s what the poll said, and polls are always right.
You might not believe me, but that doesn’t make it not true. I know it’s true.
Completely plausible conspiracy #2.
Nursing homes are just a front for meanies to kill nice old folks.
It’s true! I saw this Gallup poll that showed that 137% of people who live in a nursing home will die within 5 years. OHMYGOSH! Nursing homes must be just like Buchenwald but all over the whole stinking country! The picture above shows a sweet elderly woman at what she thinks is just a friendly Tuesday Night Ice Cream Social, but really they are feeding her frozen arsenic. Nursing home administrators are even worse than dentists. At least dentists pretend to give you laughing gas. Nursing home administrators just poison your prune juice. While dentists are deviant and cruel, nursing home administrators are really a modern-day embodiment of the demon Charon but they go the extra mile and kick you in the kneecap before ferrying you to Hades. Never go to a nursing home. You’ll die!
Now excuse me, I have an election to rig. We can’t let J. Sidney McCain deny the Benevolent Socialist Revolution from what is rightly ours to steal, now can we?
Just a few quick notes before the week officially starts.
