Caricature of Barack Obama and John McCain
The greatest part about this whole election cycle is that it is finally over. I feel like I just finished watching two horse dwarfs mud wrestle for the last two years. Geeze, it was horrendous.
November 6, 2008
September 24, 2008
Never fear, McCain is here!
John McCain isn’t content to flail hopelessly. He now has to make a complete embarrassment of himself by knighting himself Savior of the Economy. He has decided to suspend his already dead campaign so he can run to Washington and save everyone from evil capitalists. Populists rejoice.
Here are 9 good reasons John McCain should sulk back to his dark little corner and let people who know what they are doing fix things.
- He isn’t the Stephen Hawking of economics.
- He isn’t president.
- Someday, he will have to debate issues with Barack Obama.
- If he actually shows up in the Senate they’ll have to scrape the dust off the seat he’s left vacant since January. He already missed votes on the GI bill, energy policy, and basically everything that has gone through the Senate including, I’m sure, insignificant bills that would have saved your children from terrorists. But those weren’t important.
- He knows less about economics than Sarah Palin knows about foreign policy. The McCain campaign will soon announce that McCain’s wife sometimes let him look at her credit cards and he is, therefore, an expert on the economy.
- It’s only been a month since the last time he promised to end his vacation from his elected duties and return, triumphantly, to DC to save the economy.
- They don’t want your ‘help’.
- The last time he was involved in ‘fixing’ banks the dang economy almost collapsed. I think it would be in our best interest if he started fretting about liberal media conspiracy again.
- Having a press conference (first one in eons) to have your picture taken in Washington pretending you are actually doing something is not suspending your campaign. That’s called a publicity stunt. He’d have more luck posing with Paris Hilton.
I would have done 10 but I have decided to suspend my blogging and return to Utah and save the beleaguered and collapsing education system. ‘Cause, you know, I’m an expert on all things educatiomanal.
I wait, in rabid anticipation, for John McCain to sweep in and save us all from sure economic destruction. I’m so glad he’s there for us. It’s like he’s superman for our wallets. And everybody loves superman.
July 30, 2008
Other outlandish but shockingly true conspiracies!
Completely plausible conspiracy #1.
There is a masochistic dental conspiracy.
It’s true! Dentists are indoctrinated from their earliest days of dental school on the proper mauling and torturing of poor folks who just want to get their cavities filled. How do I know this? Well, duh, all dentists hurt people, like, every day! That means there is a grand conspiracy created by these genuinely evil executioners parading around in smocks and goofy face masks. They want hurt you and then overcharge you by thousands of dollars. First they drill holes in your face and fill your teeth with toxic cement and then they send you an overinflated bill. Physical and emotional pain! They want you to scream out in pain until that funny little vein on your head is doing an awkward tango like Marie Osmand on Dancin’ with the Washed-up, Has-Been, Daytime-TV Stars.
I can’t remember exactly where I saw it but there was this poll where dentists were asked things like: Do you enjoy punching innocent children in the face?; and, Have you ever tossed bags of cute little kittens off of the Golden Gate Bridge? Not surprisingly, 92% of all so-called “dental professionals” were self admitted kitty-killers and child-face-punchers. That’s what the poll said, and polls are always right.
You might not believe me, but that doesn’t make it not true. I know it’s true.
Completely plausible conspiracy #2.
Nursing homes are just a front for meanies to kill nice old folks.
It’s true! I saw this Gallup poll that showed that 137% of people who live in a nursing home will die within 5 years. OHMYGOSH! Nursing homes must be just like Buchenwald but all over the whole stinking country! The picture above shows a sweet elderly woman at what she thinks is just a friendly Tuesday Night Ice Cream Social, but really they are feeding her frozen arsenic. Nursing home administrators are even worse than dentists. At least dentists pretend to give you laughing gas. Nursing home administrators just poison your prune juice. While dentists are deviant and cruel, nursing home administrators are really a modern-day embodiment of the demon Charon but they go the extra mile and kick you in the kneecap before ferrying you to Hades. Never go to a nursing home. You’ll die!
Now excuse me, I have an election to rig. We can’t let J. Sidney McCain deny the Benevolent Socialist Revolution from what is rightly ours to steal, now can we?
July 3, 2008
Election time!
Here’s what I propose: both candidates, one ring and a preference for sleeper holds. First one to say ‘uncle’ loses.
It would be less painful than having to watch John McCain and Barack Obama bash each other’s heads across the airwaves for the next few months. I loathe political TV ads. McCain’s newest batch make me want to wretch.
November can’t come soon enough.
I’ve also got a long post of a similar vein at my other blog if you are so inclined.
